Kol Nidre 2006/5767
Teshuva and the Meaning of Change
It’s interesting though that Teshuva isn’t just confined to the High Holiday season. It’s not like the joke that when we do something wrong we say that we’ll say we’re sorry on Yom Kippur. Teshuva is actually something we pray for three times a day. In fact, in the Amidah, morning, afternoon, and evening we tap our chest – just as we do with Ashamnu and Al Chet – as we recite the prayer of forgiveness.
Obviously then Teshuva must be important and it must be difficult to accomplish. If it were easy to apologize and to change our ways, we wouldn’t have to pray for it three times a day, 365 days a year! The rabbis recognized that Teshuva is an important concept and yet very difficult, and they said, in their attempt to motivate us to do it, that someone who repents of his or her ways is more righteous than someone who was saintly all his or her life. Maimonides, in his code of Jewish law, devoted 10 chapters to the idea. Other rabbis throughout history have written books about the concept. Why? Why is change so difficult?
I “googled” the phrase “psychology of change” and the first thing that came up was an entry in Wikipedia. It is a brief 4-paragraph article and the second paragraph states: “An early model of change developed by Kurt Lewin in 1951 described change as a three-stage process. The first stage he called “unfreezing.” It involved overcoming inertia and dismantling the existing “mind set.” Defense mechanisms have to be bypassed. In the second stage the change occurs. This is typically a period of confusion. We are aware that the old ways are being challenged but we do not have a clear picture to replace them with yet. The third and final stage he called “refreezing.” The new mind set is crystallizing and one’s comfort level is returning to previous levels.”
This understanding of the process of change seems to make sense. Even if we think about the most mundane of activities we realize that this explanation is accurate. Think about our commute or the way we get ready in the morning. We have a particular way to get to work or to get dressed and it’s the same way all the time. We wouldn’t consider a different way. If for some reason we needed to, it would require a lot of thought and preparation. I know personally that if I have to do something different than I usually do in the morning, I have to write myself a note to be sure it gets done. It’s difficult to thaw out of the frozen state we are in.
If we apply this to something more significant and profound in our lives, like family dynamics then the same is true. We establish a routine in the way we communicate with our spouse, children, and parents. If the routine is positive then it’s nice to expect a hug, words of encouragement, and a supportive environment. We wouldn’t want to change anything about it. But not all family dynamics are positive. There are families we know where members have not spoken to each other for years. There are families we know where the form of communication is sarcasm or raised voices. Those certainly are dynamics that need to change but as we know they are the most difficult to do so. How we communicate, body language and tone of voice are learned behaviors. We pick up these subtle language tools from our parents and the environment in which we are raised. Changing such modes of expression though we might know to be necessary is most difficult.
How we would unfreeze, as Kurt Lewin put it, and begin to change, is the key question and is what we are supposed to think about throughout this season. We need to first recognize that we need to change and then seek ways in order to do so.
One way to change is to recognize that we have the love and support of our family. Going in a new direction, charting a new path makes one very anxious. Doing something new or different makes one nervous. If love and support are there it makes performing that change a little easier. Our spouse, parent, or child, don’t like it when we communicate in the wrong way. Yet they are still our spouse, parent, or child. They still love us. By working together and realizing together how difficult a process it is to unfreeze, the change can be more effective.
Prayer helps too. Prayer serves as a form of introspection. By talking to God we are in a way talking to ourselves. When we ask God to give us strength in a way we are motivating ourselves to have strength. By asking God for support we are recognizing that we are not alone, that someone is listening and will be there for us. By asking God for forgiveness we are recognizing our faults and hoping that we can begin the process of restitution. And when we pray to God for repentance we are encouraging ourselves to change. Prayer serves the purpose of meditation and self-reflection, which are important components in the process of change.
Love and prayer are important and so is community. We are a congregation of people who need to change. We are not a congregation comprised of 99% perfect people and 1% flawed people. That wouldn’t be a comfortable place for the 1% to go. If you spoke English and you entered a room filled with Chinese speakers you immediately would know that you were in the wrong place. You’d try to look for a room of English speakers. The same is true with this season. It would be difficult to pray in a room filled with gray haired, long-bearded, Hassidic rabbis (assuming they were saintly) because we would feel out of place. It might be interesting to watch, but it would be intimidating to participate. But we all come together on the High Holidays knowing that we all are flawed in some way. We instinctively know that and we then can instinctively feel that we can fully participate in the service. We are a community of like-minded people, seeking a better life and looking forward to a happy and healthy and meaningful new year. Community is key to making that happen.
Now, this explains how difficult it is for us proactively to make changes. A lot of things have to be in place and a lot of tools and resources have to be at hand in order to make change happen. But what happens when change happens to us? How do we respond when change is thrust upon us and we are forced to adjust our behavior and our lifestyle accordingly? How do we survive such change and how do we incorporate the changes in order to keep going?
How do we manage, for example, to survive the death of a loved one? Sometimes we have time to prepare for an impending death. Sometimes we can expect a very elderly person to pass away. Yet sometimes a loved one dies without warning. Death is traumatic to the survivors no matter the circumstances because it causes a dramatic change to the family structure. A family member who was loved, who was looked to for advice, who brought laughter and cheer, who held the family together, who could be relied upon, is gone and the rest of the family has to learn how to live on.
When the death is still a fresh wound it seems the family is walking through life in a daze. They look at the TV or just watch traffic pass by and wonder how the world could still be going on. How could life be happening around them when they can’t be a part of it? How do they make that transition from intense grief to sadness to dull pain? How can mourners become part of the world again?
Another example that is not quite as intense, is one that has been thrust upon each and every one of us. Just by sitting in this room we know that we are experiencing change right now. Even though we all knew for some time that the Shaare Tefila building would be sold it wasn’t until July that reality struck home. We had to move and find a new location for our offices, daily minyan, Shabbat services, Nursery School, Religious School, and High Holiday services. It has been a logistical nightmare and it has required many people to volunteer many hours in order to make this phase of the change possible. We thank them very much for doing what was necessary to ensure that we have places to call home.
But this change has caused many of us to feel disoriented. So many people were in tears when we celebrated the last Shabbat in the sanctuary on Lockwood Dr. The farewell to Lockwood dinner in June was very emotional as charter members of the Shul recalled the first meetings in Chillum Castle and Shaare Tefila’s building on Riggs Rd. People recalled the Religious School meeting in Cresthaven Elementary until the Lockwood Dr. building was completed. People recalled the B’nai Mitzvah and the weddings, the social events, the services, and of course the funerals that took place in that building. So much of ourselves was attached to that building and saying goodbye was like bidding farewell to a family member.
So how do we overcome changes that happen to us – changes that are beyond our control? We use the same tools we use when we decide to make changes ourselves. We rely on love. Our love for Shaare Tefila Congregation is strong. Many of us have been members for decades. It’s not the building we love; it’s the concept of what Shaare Tefila stands for. When Shaare Tefila’s building was defaced with swastikas over 20 years ago, we were outraged. We were outraged not just because our building was vandalized but more so because a piece of ourselves was damaged. When we celebrated a joyous milestone in shul we celebrated not because the room looked pretty, but because our family and friends were together in one place. When we attend socials or when we attend services it’s not the carpet or the artwork that attracts us to attend, but the people who are there. It’s that love of what Shaare Tefila stands for and what it has meant to us that enables us to stay connected to our shul.
Prayer also helps us overcome the change. The words of the machzor and the melodies of the service help create a mood of reflection. The familiar tunes recreate the High Holiday mood for us. We can focus on ourselves and the turmoil in our lives and understand what we need in order to move on. We need strength and resolve to continue living. We need to know that there is a reason to keep going. We need to imagine what the future will be like and what our lives will be like. We think about the new building and the day when we don’t have to hire a moving truck to schlep our prayer books and when we can actually have a real ark in which to put our Torah scrolls. We also pray that just as we can find God in a high school auditorium, so may we also find God in the new building in Olney.
Love and prayer go hand in hand with community. Look around and we see that we’re still sitting with our friends and family. It doesn’t matter that we’re not in our usual seats in the sanctuary or Needle auditorium. What matters is whom we’re with. It doesn’t matter that we no longer will have Shabbat dinner together in shul, what matters is that we are still having dinner and celebrating Shabbat with our family. It doesn’t matter that we can’t have adult learning in the chapel or the library or even the cloakroom, what matters is that we still come together to study. It doesn’t matter that tashlich wasn’t at the waterfall on route 29, what matters is that we still came together as a community to perform that age old ritual. Community is what makes us a shul, not a building, and now more than ever we need to reinforce and strengthen our sense of community.
When changes are thrust upon us these are the resources we need to survive. We need love, we need prayer, and we need community. No matter the impact of the change on our lives those tools will still be necessary. This change in the life of our shul is taking a long time. It was five years ago at Kol Nidre services that I advocated the move and introduced Bob Zimmerman as chair of location committee. A lot has happened in our shul life in those 5 years. We voted overwhelmingly to explore options on land. We voted overwhelmingly to purchase land in Olney. And we voted overwhelmingly to sell our building. Out of love, prayer, and community we acted and it will be out of love, prayer, and community that we thrive in the future.
Change is frightening. Change is difficult. But often change brings blessing and promise. There is no doubt that we will miss the former stage of our life. It is our job to remember the good times and keep those memories fresh by reliving them as often as possible. But there is also no doubt that with love, prayer, and community that the future will burn bright for us.
May this New Year deepen our love for one another. May our prayers in the New Year be sincere and accepted by God. And may our sense of community only deepen and may it strengthen us. Amen.
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10881 Lockwood Drive, Silver Spring, MD 20901 P: (301) 593-3410 F: (301) 593-0280
Page Maintained By: webmaster@shaaretefila.org. Site by HG Interactive.